How to handle telemarketers (nicely)

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NIKON D70 - 1/3200 sec, f4.5 at 31mm

I hate telemarketers as much as the next man. Yes they always call at dinner time, during the best parts of my favorite TV shows or when I attempting to get jiggy with Gabba (go on, picture that in your mind).

But, at the same time, I realize they are people too, just like me (possibly), trying to feed their family*.

What I have found though is that there is any easy way to get rid of telemarketers without making them feel like shit. It also gets them quickly off the phone so that they can make their next call. After all, they are in a numbers game. The more calls they make, the better they do.

So I offer here my advice. Free to you, as a service.

If you think the telemarketer is selling anything that will require financing or is to do with the home (vacuum cleaners, chemical house washes, window cleaning, mortages). Tell them you don't own the house. Tell them you are renting. Yeah I know that will be a blow to your ego and all. But would you prefer a puffed up ego, or making someone else feel like shit? This is especially useful if the telemarketer asks to speak with the homeowner. That's a 7 second call. Sorry, I don't own the house, click. It'll be them clicking though, not you.

If it's someone calling about helping you to save on long distance, they invariably ask you who you are with now. Make up a name of a company and tell them it's a local provider. That will bugger them. The scripts they are provided deal with the major well known companies. If you name Kamakooza Telecom Ltd as your long distance provider, they are completely stuffed. They don't have that in their script. They will hang up to move onto the next call.

And you have my personal guarantee that those methods work.

*The same argument could be made, I guess, for drug dealers, burglars, insurgents and used car sales people.

And somewhat unrelated, it looks like this is becoming a tradition.

The Photo

I went mad in potatoshop tonight. I thew everything I have learned in the last couple of weeks at it. I made a dark and stormy sea out of really nothing at all. It's possibly still no good now? If you are interested, this is how it started out.

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Posted: Tuesday, 8 August, 2006 20:27

Captured: 2005:03:28 13:48:43

Add your own comment

  • Thats showing off some good potatoshop skills man. I like it.
    Daniel - Tuesday, 8 August, 2006 21:41
  • Nice and moody - Nicely done.
    Ian - Tuesday, 8 August, 2006 23:19
  • Bloody awesome! That's a brilliant bit of photoshoppery! Soon soon I'll have to give all these new techniques a go...I'm still working through the new blog redesign/relaunch...
    Darren - Tuesday, 8 August, 2006 23:23
  • hmm... I never thought of telemarketers as real people... I will have to try this nice approach. My last encounter went like this:[Telemarketer] "Sir I have some good news for you. you have just been pre approved for a new credit card" [Me] "Oh my God this is amazing, you should have warned me to sit down first "CLICK"
    Kerry - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 3:35
  • Telemarketer:(sultry voice)....You've been approved for a new credit card" Me: (super sultry voice)...."Great, I maxed out all the others....what's the limit?"
    Michele - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 9:30
  • I love the original! ;-)
    Onno - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 10:08
  • My mate Slimy-Will had a CVG moment the other week. (Crazy Vacuum Guy). His CVG was a Kirby salesman. $4000 for a loud, ugly, loud, heavy, loud vacuum cleaner with a bag!? This is a Tui commercial, right? Will was s'posed to come over to my place but his wife Roberta had (for reasons unkown) invited said CVG over FOR DINNER!!! And worse, she then did a no-show and rung Will at the last minute and told him "You'll have to do it"! Surely that's grounds for divorce? Apparently Kirby-man stayed for 3 and a half hours!!! I simply asked Will why he ever said anything other than "But... it's not a Dyson, is it?" I would love that CVG to come over to my place. Talk about great entertainment. His sales motviation programme was "Sell 10 Kirbys a month for 3 months in a row, and they'd give him a trip to Disneyland" Can you beleive that? That's $120,000 of vacuum cleaner sales in 3 months! Madness! CVG!!
    BC - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 11:41
  • BC, that story sounds almost apocryphal. She invited a door to door salesperson for dinner? And then bailed? That's too stupendious to believe! Or did CVG invite himself for dinner? Did they buy the cleaner?
    Dave - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 13:13
  • Not even a trace of apocryphality about it. 100% God's own truth. Roberta is Brazilian. They're crazy you know? She didn't bail, so much as ended up working late, realised she wasn't gonna be home in time, and rung Will to tell him what she'd done, and advise him he'd have to sub in for her. Of COURSE they didn't buy a Kirby! Do you think they'd be my friends if they were that stupid? They have Dyson anyway...
    BC - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 14:02
  • Of course now I am under pressure to perform every time we go to watch motorsport. What's going to happen when we're at the Melbourne GP? I'm not good in crowds. We'll have to invent some sort of catheter system.
    Rik - Wednesday, 9 August, 2006 19:29
  • I like it...the farce is strong in you Padawan...
    seriocomic - Thursday, 10 August, 2006 14:52
  • great sea!! dark color show us the other aspect
    TS - Thursday, 17 August, 2006 16:05
  • I love the photo+ you made. The before is beautiful but the after is beautiful and oh so dramatic... reminds me of Shell Beach, CA during stormy season... love it!
    Creative - Tuesday, 14 October, 2008 12:49

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